[OPINION] Prison recommendations for Rodrigo Duterte if the ICC…you know…

‘Consider understanding how to improvise a shiv. For protection, pal all-around with a rough mobile boss, even if Bato may also be in there with you.’

It is not but apparent, our Pricey Leader, when the double-working BBM-Tambaloslos crew will hand you about to the International Felony Court docket. For now, just maintain getting nice to your daughter, who’s nevertheless “friends” with the President. She’s the only point between you and the ICC’s clutches, these meddling humanitarian SOBs. 

FYI, there are two spots where you could end up – initially, for the duration of the trial in The Hague, the Netherlands, and then when you essentially provide your time period, somewhere among the volunteer host nations around the world, generally in Western Europe. 

Really don’t be concerned, you will truly be high-quality through the demo. Not only for the reason that you are our hardest, most fearless lodi, but also simply because the ICC’s pre-demo detention centre in Scheveningen outside The Hague is a significantly cry from the Manila City Jail. But you may perhaps even now truly feel out of put for the reason that the facility is shockingly point out-of-the-artwork humane. 

Also, Scheveningen is a seaside resortish city, and odds are you will breathe the fresh new, revivifying tang of the surf and listen to uplifting daylong merrymaking which, regrettably, will all be out of your achieve. But cheer up mainly because the ICC Detention Middle is like no other. It is run “with thing to consider to (detainees’) cultural diversity and their improvement as people today,” where by, holy cow!, “detained persons are presumed innocent until eventually tested responsible.” 

It’s a fashionable facility with clear, temperature-managed personal spaces. No will need to convey your mosquito web. And get this, your private interaction will not be monitored and you are entitled to “privileged communication” with a “diplomatic agent of his/ her nation of origin.” You can maintain in touch with Xi! Neat, appropriate? You can also electronically talk with your defense law firm, unless Aguirre is currently in there also.

Medical services will just take treatment of your well being (even fentanyl kaya?). There will be “suitably organized food items that satisfies in quality and amount the specifications of dietetics and fashionable hygiene,” not like the karinderia fare that you’ve experienced to dwell by all these many years. 

And you will have obtain to news, television, and publications (meh). You’re permitted visits from religious or non secular advisors. I know, large deal, proper? But hey, you are going to have access to computer systems so, it’s possible Grand Theft Vehicle, Yakuza, and Purple Dead Redemption2 to whilst absent the time? So much, so good.

Regrettably, the ICC Detention Center isn’t for very long-time period jailbirds. Upon conviction, the photo could adjust relying on which state agrees to “host” you. 

The superior news is, they’re generally EU nations around the world so it will be absolutely nothing like Bilibid situations. Central and Northern European nations around the world (Italy, France, Germany, and Austria, the Netherlands, Luxembourg, Denmark, Finland, and Sweden) shell out between 100 and 380 euros per prisoner a day. Colombia and Argentina are also prepared wardens. Not sure of the features there, but brush up on habla Español anyway.

The terrible news is, there may possibly however be overcrowding in some, and jail gangs too. So, look at discovering how to improvise a shiv. For defense, pal around with a hard cell boss, even if Bato may possibly also be in there with you. 

There may perhaps not be casual tattoo facilities in well-operate prisons, so could possibly as perfectly get skillfully inked now in advance of points truly get likely. See if Whang-Od would do it to remind you of our very pleased heritage while you’re overseas.

A huge word of warning. A single-sixth of Europe’s prisoners ended up convicted of drug offenses, in accordance to the Harm Reduction Journal. So for god’s sake hardly ever, ever tell anyone what you are in for. 

Ultimately, just believe that no matter whether in Germany, Sweden, or Slovenia, the services will be all-male, not co-ed. You might not wish that “the mayor should really be the to start with.” – Rappler.com

Rene Ciria Cruz is an editor at PositivelyFilipino.com. He edited the ebook A Time to Rise (UP Push), and was Inquirer.net’s US Bureau Main from 2013-2023. He has created for the San Francisco Examiner, San Francisco Chronicle, and California Attorney Magazine.